Finding Forgiveness

If you've ever seen Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Giles said it best in Season 2, Episode 19, when he said:

Looking to understand what forgiveness is, why it is important, and how to cultivate it within yourself - even when the person on the receiving end doesn't seem to deserve it? If so, this post is for you!

What Does Forgiveness Even Mean?

Oftentimes, when we talk about forgiveness, we may jump to the assumption that this means we are condoning the offending person's behavior and telling them that what they did was okay. This doesn't have to be the case. Forgiveness does not mean that you are forgetting what has happened, or allowing the behavior to continue. Forgiveness simply means that you can try to understand what circumstances may have led a person to make the decisions they made, and that you are making a conscious decision to let go of any lingering anger and resentment that you hold towards that person.

Why Should I Forgive?

You may be wondering why you should bother giving someone the satisfaction of forgiving them if they hurt you. Oftentimes when someone causes pain to another person, it is a result of unresolved feelings they are carrying within themselves because they don't know how to release them in a healthy way. Regardless of why they inflict this pain, it doesn't take away from the impact it has on you. However, understanding that they are coming from their own place of pain can make the idea of forgiveness more palatable. When you know that another person is hurting, you may feel inclined to offer compassion and support to help them through their struggles - especially if it is someone you already have a connection with. Offering forgiveness after they have wronged you is one way that you can do this.

Forgiveness is also a great way to help restore and repair important relationships. When someone we love and value does something (or many things) to hurt us or treat us unfairly, it can cut so much deeper than if someone we barely know committed a similar act. If this person you love and value is a healthy part of your life and you want to keep them around, you will have to find a way to forgive their actions so the relationship can move forward without tension and resentment.

It is also important to understand that forgiveness doesn't always have to be about restoration of the relationship. You can remove someone from your life because of the pain they have caused, while also forgiving them for the choices they have made. Offering forgiveness does not always equate to making up. This is a powerful way to set boundaries and care for yourself.

The truth is, the act of forgiveness can be as much for you, as it is for them. Sometimes, choosing to forgive someone isn't even about them at all. Forgiveness is an act that takes strength, intention, and courage. Choosing to practice this can be a great way to grow and empower yourself. Even if you never explicitly tell the person who has wronged you that you have forgiven them, by choosing to release those negative emotions you hold towards them, you are allowing yourself to experience a sense of emotional healing and inner peace. Reducing tension, anger, anxiety, and stress can also have a significant, positive impact on your own mental and physical health. Sometimes it may feel unfair that someone else can treat you poorly and you are stuck with the burden of offering forgiveness, but in doing so, you are exhibiting a deep level of self-love and compassion.

When hearing the benefits of forgiveness, it may seem like the obvious choice - but in practice, it can be extremely difficult to let go of situations that have had such a big impact on you.

How Can I Learn To Forgive?

The first step to practicing forgiveness is identifying what the offending action is that needs to be forgiven, and then making a conscious choice to release it.

The next step is honoring your feelings and your experiences, and reminding yourself that the emotions you have experienced are valid. By forgiving someone, you are not admitting defeat or ceasing to allow your emotions to exist. You are taking the time and space you need to identify, sit with, and process your feelings before moving forward. Let out your feelings in a safe, healthy way, such as: journaling, talking to a friend, or going to therapy. Talk about how the situation impacted you, and then step outside of yourself to consider the perspective of the offending person.

Take some time to reflect on how you may have been responding to that person - or others - in a heightened emotional state. By recognizing how your emotions have been impacting your behavior, you can then take steps to practice empathy and be fair towards those who have been unfair to you. To do this, you can gently confront the person who has wronged you and try to get them to understand where your pain is coming from, or you can write a letter to them that you never send. Have patience with yourself and the offending party as you work through the process of forgiveness; it is often not something that occurs overnight.

You may also choose to practice mindfulness. Studies have shown a correlation between mindfulness and forgiveness traits, so it may be easier for you to process and forgive future misdeeds if you work on your mindfulness skills today. Identify what feelings you experience in your body when you think of the offending person or situation, and ask yourself if you have carried the burden of this pain long enough. Affirmations are another great practice that can help guide the process of forgiveness. For example, you can try to take a deep breath in, and as you exhale, say, "I am releasing of all of the pain that no longer serves me."

Forgiveness is not something that always comes naturally. It may feel as though the person you are forgiving does not deserve your compassion, or that the action they participated in was too egregious to warrant understanding. In these circumstances, it is important to remember that choosing to forgive does not mean you are choosing to forget, and it can be more for your own benefit than for that of the offending person. Forgiveness is something we must practice and intentionally choose to do, and it's normal for the process to take time. The most important thing to remember is to take care of yourself, don't invite situations or people back into your life if they are going to put you in danger or bring more harm than value, and be patient with yourself if it takes some time to let things go.