What Is Grief, Anyway?

At some point in our lives, we have all felt grief in one way or another, whether we realized it or not. Oftentimes when we hear the word, "grief," our minds may immediately go to the infamous, "5 stages," and what it feels like to experience the death of a loved one. However, the Five Stages of Grief are often misunderstood, and there are actually many different types of grief that a person can experience.

Normal Grief, and the Five Stages

"Normal grief," is what we most commonly think of when we hear this term: it is our psychological response to bereavement, or the loss of a loved one. This type of grief is widely experienced, understood, and accepted across society. If someone has to take time off of work to attend funeral services, or they are acting unusual and exhibiting the physical or emotional symptoms of grief after the death of someone they cared for, they are often met with compassion and understanding.

Oftentimes, when we experience the loss of a loved one, we turn to the Five Stages of Grief in an effort to understand what we are dealing with. Unfortunately, these stages have often been misconstrued as a linear process that comes to an end once the fifth stage - acceptance - has been reached. This, however, is not how this theory was intended. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross presented the five stages of grief as a non-linear explanation for the different common responses we have to a loss. It is true many people will experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but they do not necessarily happen in that order, and stages can be (and often are) repeated. When a person accepts the loss that they have endured, the grief does not suddenly end or disappear. Grief sticks with us, but with normal grief, it will become less potent over time. For some people, though, what seems to start out as normal grief will eventually reveal itself to be something called complicated grief.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief, otherwise known as prolonged grief disorder, occurs when a person experiences a loss but the intense feelings of pain and sadness do not get better over time. This condition often makes it difficult for people to go about their daily life. Due to the fact that everyone responds to grief differently and there is no designated timeline for when the initial feelings of intensity should start to subside, it can be difficult to recognize when normal grief turns into complicated grief. If you suspect you may be dealing with this, it is best to seek support from a trained mental health professional who specializes in grief. It may also be beneficial to seek professional mental health support if you have recently experienced a loss and are having what seems to be an unusual reaction to that loss.

Delayed, Inhibited, and Cumulative Grief

For many people, trying to process the death of a loved one is an incredibly challenging task, and one that may unfold in a number of different ways. For some people, the initial shock and pain of the loss are too overwhelming, so your mind and body temporarily pause their response. When a person does not feel the emotions and sensations that accompany grief right away - but rather, they feel them days, weeks, or months later - that is called delayed grief. A similar reaction to a severe loss may be inhibited grief; this is when people consciously or subconsciously repress their emotions surrounding grief, and often experience it through physical symptoms instead. Another form of grief that is less commonly discussed is cumulative grief. When a person is attempting to work through multiple losses at once, their feelings can become even more confusing as the losses intertwine. In contrast to these complex manifestations of grief, some people may be able to begin processing their loss before it even happens.

Anticipatory and Abbreviated Grief

For those who are watching a loved one struggle with a terminal illness - such as cancer - they often have time to process the impending loss and start experiencing grief before the person is actually gone. This is called anticipatory grief. When this occurs, many people also experience abbreviated grief after the loss occurs. Abbreviated grief is when a person moves through the grieving process faster than expected, and most frequently occurs when a lot of emotional labor has already been invested in processing the loss as it was approaching. It is also possible for people to grieve the loss of someone who is not deceased and does not have a terminal diagnosis.

Ambiguous Grief

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you have lost someone even though they are still alive? If so, you have experienced what is called ambiguous grief. If your relationship with a loved one has changed significantly and they are no longer in your life the same way they once were, it is normal to feel a sense of loss and to grieve these changes. Although our societal norms tell us that this is not, "real," grief because the person is still living, it does not make the pain any less valid. Ambiguous grief can be difficult to deal with because it often is accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, that make a person hesitant to share their experience. It is important to understand the existence of ambiguous grief and to be able to identify and name it within yourself if this is something you may be experiencing, so that you may begin the process of healing. In addition to ambiguous grief, there are also other forms of loss that society often does not acknowledge.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is a form of loss that may leave a person feeling isolated as society does not accept their grief as, "valid." Some instances where a person's grief may be disenfranchised include: the loss of a pet; the loss of a loved-one due to a stigmatized death (for example: a drug overdose); the loss of a dream job; the loss of a person's sense of safety or independence (for example: an acquired disability or change in political climate); and the loss of an estranged, unknown, or abusive family member. In these instances, it can be incredibly difficult to find support and feel as though you are entitled to your feelings. If you have or are experiencing this, please remember that you have every right to grieve whatever losses are impactful in your life.

Moving Forward

Regardless of what type of grief or loss you have experienced, it is pretty much a universal guarantee that we will all go through this at some point in our lives. When that day comes, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Even if the people in your circle or society do not understand the way you are experiencing your grief, there are professionals who do. It is always okay (and does not make you weak!) to seek additional support if your loss is too much to handle alone.

References

Cleveland Clinic. (2023). Grief. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief

Gupta, S. (2023). Disenfranchised Grief: What It Means and How to Cope With It. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/disenfranchised-grief-definition-causes-impact-and-coping-5221901#:~:text=Loss%20of%20a%20pet,one's%20home%20or%20home%20country

King, K.M. (2011). A new look at the five stages of grief. Cleveland Clinic. https://inside.wfu.edu/2011/03/a-new-look-at-the-five-stages-of-grief/#:~:text=The%20five%20stages%20of%20grief%20%E2%80%94%20denial%2C%20anger%2C%20bargaining%2C,Professor%20of%20Counseling%20Ed%20Shaw.

Mayo Clinic. (2022). Complicated grief. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

Sarazin, S. (2023). What Is Ambiguous Grief and How to Begin Healing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/soulbroken/202305/what-is-ambiguous-grief-and-how-to-begin-healing

Shear, M.K., Ghesquiere, A., & Glickman, K. (2014). Bereavement and Complicated Grief. Curr Psychiatry Rep. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3855369/#:~:text=Grief%20refers%20to%20the%20psychobiological,response%2C%20often%20intense%20and%20disruptive